Catching Up
It’s been a long time coming.
I think I knew I wanted to play music when I was a toddler. At least, I knew I liked being the center of attention. I used to dance around for my family to Michael Jackson songs and Back to the Future. When I went to my first concert though, and felt the bass in my chest, rumble from the subs - that changed me. Then, when I held my first guitar, I knew.
But I got distracted.
By work, and girls, and skateboarding, and friends, and video games, and then the military, then alcohol, then a career, then real life and identity - then shifts in identity. All the while, music has been there. Playing gigs has been part of it. Dare I say part of the distraction even. Through little nooks and crannies I found that all of a sudden I looked around and I had walked away from my relationship with the church, myself, and no longer recognized the landscape.
It’s hard to summarize in a blogpost what I’m trying to say, but I saw myself, letting myself go. Like sliding down a muddy hill or an icy driveway, you see it happening but you feel like you can’t stop it. Life is like that. I didn’t know I needed to ask for help. I heard people say, “it’s ok to ask for help”, but I didn’t know I needed it. I didn’t think they were talking to me. They were.
As a listened to the songs I wrote from that timeframe, fifteen and twenty years ago, I can now see I was calling out. But I couldn’t recognize it at the time. Maybe that’s why I didn’t release the songs, fear of insufficiency, or inadequacy. Definitely suffered from an imposter syndrome - even up to now. What would my parents think? (Love you guys - wink).
I’ve come to the place in my recovery and in my musicianship that it’s time to share what I’ve been through. That’s the catalyst for releasing my self produced album. a couple new songs and a bunch of old ones. It ain’t polished and it ain’t perfect, but it’s a snapshot. Like a faded Polaroid of what my entry to songwriting 20 years ago, interrupted by a booze fueled hiatus looks like. It’s me showing up with a stake in the ground, laying claim to this patch of earth.
If you feel alone, or like no one is listening, it’s probably because there’s truth to that part of your story. I’m here to tell you that it doesn’t have to continue in that way though. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. Here’s to CATCHING UP and it’s never too late!
Banjo
